If you have been around a narcissistic person, your head is probably spinning. The cruel ways in which narcissists bully, gaslight (change our perception), and manipulate us, even when we are doing everything they ask, are extremely confusing and frustrating.
If you seek meaning and harmony in your connections, a narcissist’s behavior is particularly disheartening. This is especially true for introspective or empathetic people, such as empaths, INFJs, or people-pleasers, who are trying desperately to understand others in order to get along.
Narcissists Follow Different Rules
It might feel like you are dealing with someone who has completely flipped the script on normal, healthy social interactions — and you are right! Narcissistic individuals follow their own playbook, which is completely opposite from those who want to be kind, agreeable, and supportive.
Narcissists aren’t seeking cooperation or reciprocity in connections. They want power and control at all costs. This heartless goal is unfathomable to many of us.
Seeking Logic is a Trap!
If we can’t see the inherent darkness in narcissistic behavior, we can get trapped in an endless thought-loop in which we are constantly trying to make sense of their senseless ways. To make it a little easier for anyone who has struggled with narcissistic abuse, as I have, the following are 8 ways this behavior is so illogical and confusing.
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The 8 Ways Narcissistic Behavior is Illogical
- Narcissists hurt and disregard their most caring friends, family members, or colleagues the most. They consistently overlook and take advantage of their biggest supporters. Rather than value loyalty and deeper connection, they seem to always be looking for the bigger, better deal — new friends, new opportunities, more attention, more admiration, more, more, more. They are interested in quantity over quality. They seem to never be satisfied or grateful for what they have.
- They actively punish the people they say that they “love.” We discussed this before in “5 Truths We MUST Understand About Narcissistic Abuse.” Narcissists don’t love in the healthy ways that others do. They see people as pawns for their own gain. The closer you are to a narcissistic person, the more you will feel their wrath. Anyone who has married a narcissistic person knows this anguish. It does not make sense that the very person who chose you as their favorite person would then proceed to treat you terribly. People will often ask us, “Why did you marry them?” Sadly, that is a question we often struggle with once the original lovebombing phase wears off. Love can be blinding for those of us who are committed to maintaining it.
- Narcissists seek people who have what they want, who will make them look and feel good, and then try to destroy that person. It makes no sense. Narcissistic people will actively look for their ideal partner, employee, or friend. They want someone who is dedicated, kind, supportive, and willing to work for the relationship. Then they seek to dim, and even destroy, the very qualities that they were seeking. They put the person down for being too kind, too sensitive, or too hard-working, or they stop showing affection or signs of attraction. Their intent is generally to lower their target’s self-esteem so that they can maintain control. They realize that the person is likely to want to leave them for all their cruel ways, so they make it as difficult as possible for the person to do so. Sadly, this often works because we get so beat down by the criticisms and lack of support that we come to believe that we are not worthy of love. It is crucial that we recognize this emotionally abusive tactic! You can always leave. You are ALWAYS loveable!
- They crave power and control simply for power’s sake. Many of us would prefer to stay in the background. We don’t want to lead, manage, or be in the spotlight. We want everyone to feel good and supported. This sometimes is the very consequence of being around narcissistic people who are constantly putting us down or controlling our behavior. However, it can also be a natural part of our introverted personalities. It can feel odd to us that narcissistic people want to control and dominate others. They want ALL the attention. They don’t want to share in any way, whether it be in their good fortune, the spotlight, or just in general positive support. A narcissist’s selfish behavior can be very hard to comprehend if you just want people to feel good and loved.
- Narcissistic people hoard. They are the classic “takers.” They are bottomless pits of greed. They don’t need the “thing” — they need the satisfaction of taking it from someone else. This is completely different wiring from people who are generous and like to give or support others. It is odd to observe people stockpiling wealth and possessions when others have so little. We’ve all observed this behavior, but many of us will never truly comprehend the need for such gluttony and greed.
- They display their worst traits openly. Overtly narcissistic people will be argumentative and cruel. They will openly mock and insult others when such behavior is clearly inappropriate. Again, this is incredibly strange behavior for anyone who is a people-pleaser or just wants to be kind to others. Many of us will give people like this a pass, thinking that maybe they don’t know any better. However, they absolutely do know better! Anyone with even a modicum of social skills understands that such behavior is unkind, rude, and generally unacceptable in a civil society. They simply do not care. People sometimes applaud or excuse such brazenness as being honest and totally authentic. There is a big difference between being honest and being overtly cruel.
- Their abusive behavior is done in the name of good. This happens far too often with covert narcissists who have mastered the ability to appear good and kind. We see narcissistic behavior throughout society, even in the places where we assume everyone has positive intentions. There are nonprofit leaders who are more concerned with money, power, and projecting a positive image than they are with the actual good of humanity or the support of their employees. Church administrators are notorious for hypocrisy — preaching against the very things they themselves are doing. Even healers, gurus, and health care providers have been known to manipulate their patients and followers in the name of power and money. There is an inherent perception of goodness in many roles. We must be able to seperate the behavior of the person from the value of their title or position.
- Narcissists actively destroy themselves. They sabotage and lose their best relationships. They overspend to look wealthy, when really they are deeply in debt. They might even harm themselves with drugs or alcohol. I personally have noticed a link between addiction and narcissism in some cases. Many alcoholics choose alcohol over everything else, destroying the lives of those around them with little remorse. Addiction is a very challenging condition with many facets, so this is certainly not always the case, but it is worth noting that many people lose themselves trying to understand the addict in their lives. Again, we have to fully see and accept the outcomes of everyone’s behaviors. Narcissists create their own negative karma. This often leads us to pity them and support them even more. This again is a trap, since they have no desire to change their destructive ways.
Let Go of Logic
The bottom line to all of this is that you must let go of the need for logic. Once you recognize the many signs of narcissistic behavior, you have to accept that a narcissist will never give you the healthy, positive interactions you have come to expect from your social interactions. They simply aren’t wired in that way.
I know this is hard! It is one of the hardest aspects of narcissistic relationships for me. Even after years of experiencing and studying their unbelievably cruel ways, I still question why the narcissistic people in my life would ever want to hurt me when I have only ever wanted to love and support them. Trust me when I say it is best to let go of any positive expectations so that you are not wasting your precious energy seeking logic in the illogical.
Michelle Gibeault Traub is a health writer, compassionate coach, and the author of Free From Narcissists and Online Dating for Sensitive Women. Her mission is to help women be their best in body, mind & spirit. Sign up for Michelle’s FREE Gifts – The Natural Healing Toolkit and 33 Ways to Add More Joy to Your Life.