They fool most of us!
I have been fooled by so many narcissists that I’ve lost count! They have come from every aspect of my life — friends, coaches, teachers, managers, colleagues, family members, and even romantic partners. At every point in my life, I have been surrounded by at least a few people who were benefiting from my kindness and naiveté, pretending to care about me while simultaneously taking from me and criticizing my every move.
It didn’t matter that I was a straight-A student with a genius IQ. Intellect has nothing to do with our ability to spot predators!
Unfortunately, I am not the exception. MANY of us who are kind, empathetic, and intelligent are impacted by narcissistic manipulators. The harsh reality is that these opportunists target everyone. However, the open-hearted and trusting are most likely to put up with their abuse.
Narcissists take advantage of a person’s most positive traits for their personal gain. It is confusing and devastating to be treated with such blatant disregard. It leaves us feeling foolish.
But there is more to the story than meets the eye. The harshest reality of narcissistic abuse and manipulation comes down to one key point, and it might not be what you think.
For a 🎥 video on the topic see: https://youtu.be/885T3xin8bg
Manipulation Comes Down to This…
I have been researching psychological manipulation for over a decade. I thought that by learning all the traits of narcissism, psychopathy, and sociopathy, the knowledge would finally protect me. Yet the core element of this issue was far simpler and scarier than I imagined.
According to Sandra L. Brown, renowned psychotherapist and author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths,” in regards to manipulators,
“They are SICKER than we are SMART.”
I heard Sandra’s wise words at the beginning of this year, just before discovering I was in yet another narcissistic connection where the person was using me with little reciprocity and no appreciation. The person had convinced me to provide them with hundreds of dollars of free services before declaring that I was not a good friend.
Humility is Key
To make this even more painful, this situation came right on the heels of the release of my course and book, “Free From Narcissists: A 10-Step Program to Reclaim Your Joy.” In short, I had just declared I was free from all narcissists, and there, right in plain sight, was someone who had been manipulating me for years. UGGHH!
It reminded me of Step 6 in the course, “Uncover Your Lessons.” When it comes to narcissistic individuals, they have a lot to teach us. In a world filled with narcissism, those lessons never stop.
We can be free from the paralyzing hold that narcissists have over us while still occasionally attracting them to us. Life is filled with such challenging contradictions that are meant to keep us humble and self-aware.
I fully believe that humility is a crucial piece of healing from and preventing future narcissistic abuse. We must accept that we are part of this nasty game of cat and mouse.
Yes, predators will go after whatever prey they can find. Still, there are reasons why we are especially prone to narcissistic manipulation. Here are 6 potential reasons we can get trapped in these unhealthy connections:
6 Ways We Get Trapped by Narcissists
- We choose to see ALL people as mostly good or kind, and we are actively looking for the good in others. It is crucial to recognize that harmful people exist. It is estimated that 10-15% of society is psychologically manipulative. This is especially difficult to believe if you don’t have such ill-intent and are more inclined to want to help and serve others. Regardless, it is crucial to see people as they are and not how you wish they could be. [For more on this, see “The Dangers of Gratitude” ]
- They lovebombed us strategically. They told us everything we wanted to hear, tapping into our innate need for love, support, and appreciation. As mentioned in “The One Thing We All Need, humans need validation. Manipulators understand this and use this tactic to get us to fall for them. It is crucial to gain perspective around empty compliments and instead trust actions over words.
- We are too close to the situation. When we live with someone, work with them, or if they are a family member, it can be impossible to see that they are harming us because it has become so normal. This is where it is essential to look to a coach who understands narcissism or to seek the input of a friend who can be objective. Additionally, by actively journaling our observations, we can also get clarity and greater perspective.
- The relationship is mostly texting or surface interactions. It is very hard to assess a person’s true intentions when we are not in their physical energy. People can say beautiful things over text and convince us that they are a closer connection than they really are. For this reason, it is important to observe people in person as much as possible. How they interact with others is often the best indicator of what kind of person they really are.
- They sped up the pace of the relationship, becoming our instant friend or soulmate after just meeting us. People only show themselves over time. Before fully trusting and investing in others, we need time to fully observe their character over an extended period.
- We DO see their negative traits, or more likely we FEEL them in our bodies and through our intuition, but we talk ourselves out of it. This unfortunate dismissal of our gut instincts is also often supported by other people, who will tell us to be kind or to not be judgmental. We might also commit to fixing or helping the person believing they don’t know any better. It is crucial to ALWAYS trust yourself first, while also remembering that all adults absolutely do know better. We were all taught right from wrong in kindergarten!
One of the main ways manipulators trap others is by shaming or guilting them. They accuse us of being cruel or unfair. They blame us for their own failures or challenges. We have to be able to see ourselves and our actions very clearly so that they can’t hijack our thoughts. If you know that you don’t have negative intentions, never let anyone convince you otherwise. You are always allowed to make the choices that feel best to you.
Don’t Believe the Hype
Many people these days like to just dismiss the dangers of narcissism entirely by declaring, “Everyone is a narcissist.” That is perhaps one of the bigger red flags of someone who is hiding behind their narcissistic behavior. It is a cop-out and an unrealistic justification for crappy behavior.
No, not everyone is narcissistic. Thank Goddess! There are safe people who have genuine empathy and are not emotionally abusing others or getting them to do things for them.
A Final Pep Talk
The main reason I originally filmed my most popular video on this topic is because if you have been duped or manipulated, I want you to know you are in very good company. The most compassionate, loving, positive, supportive, empathetic, and even highly intelligent people are the ones who are falling for this cruelty. PLEASE don’t beat yourself up!
They took advantage of your best traits. That is on them, not you. As soon as you detect that someone is manipulating you, move on and forgive yourself. You don’t have to forgive someone who has hurt you. You DO have to forgive yourself. Because not forgiving yourself is a form of shame and self-abuse that will keep you stuck.
If you need more support in this area, please check out my comprehensive course, “Free From Narcissists: A 10-Step Program to Reclaim Your Joy.” Or, watch my videos on Healing from Narcissistic Abuse.